Not Another One
by Emilth
Summary: Wizard Howl faces his greatest foe yet . . . Meet Crazy Fangirl.


Disclaimer: I do not own Howl's Moving Castle, nor any of the characters in this story (besides creepy fan girl).

Author's Note: This was originally written for a friend of mine, a creepy fan girl herself. It was meant to cure her from her obsession. Sadly, it didn't work. But, remember, FANGIRLS KILL.

Thank you.

Wizard Howl bent over the spell, concentrating with all his might. He was an accomplished spell caster, but this was complete rubbish. Prepared spells made no sense, but they were necessary to make a living. He needed to make a living now more than ever. He wanted to make his Sophie happy, and be able to provide their "family" with sufficient food and clothing without scraping and budget cuts.

He leaned back from his work with a sigh, throwing the large spell book closed without a thought. The resulting breeze caused the saffron he was working with to fly up into the air. Waving it away with distaste, he happened to glance at the window to Porthaven. Wait . . . was that someone waving to him? Sure enough, a girl was standing in the window, grinning stupidly and waving fanatically.

"Oh, no," he thought morosely, "Not another one!"

Calcifer blazed up in the hearth. "Another one of your girlfriends?" he asked snidely.

"No! Now shut up. She's really starting to creep me out."

Sure enough, the girl was pressing her bespectacled face against the window. The moan of, "Ho-wl!" could be heard through the thick glass.

Calcifer shivered, "She better not be one of your admirers!"

"I don't even know her, Calcifer," Howl growled, "Besides, Sophie and I-"

"-Are enchanted lovers, I know! Blah, blah, blah." Calcifer made a sound reminiscent of someone throwing up into a wastepaper basket.

Howl stared dangerously at Calcifer, narrowing his eyes.

"Fine, fine! I'll just leave. I can do that, you know. I'm free!" Calcifer stormed up the chimney and left behind a thin trail of smoke.

Outside, the girl's attention left Howl and focused on the sky. "Calcifer!" she squealed.

Calcifer swiftly dropped back unto the hearth, looking slightly yellow-er than usual. His bright eyes focused on Howl. "Bad idea. Will you please make her leave?" he pleaded.

Howl was about to answer rather rudely when Sophie strolled down the stairs closely followed by Michael. "Michael and I are going shopping and we wondered if you wanted anythi-"

Her interest shifted from groceries to crazy girls as she spotted the child in the window. "Who is that?" she asked, drawing the words out.

"I have no clue," Howl said, "but she's really bugging me."

Sophie raised her eyebrows, "She's not one of those fan girls, is she?"

Michael grimaced. "I hate when they come after me!"

"You, my boy, do not have to suffer nearly as many as I do!" Howl said scathingly, "In the movie you were seven years old-"

"Eight!"

"Eight years old, and nobody in their right mind falls for an eight-year old!"

"Yes, but in the book I was a teenager, and I was very cute!" Michael said earnestly.

"'Very cute' '" mocked Howl, "Why, I've seen cuter earth worms; that time you-"

"ENOUGH," Calcifer roared. "Howl, she's trying to get in!"

Howl paled. Sophie placed a comforting arm on his shoulder. "Howl, you know she can't get in," she stated gently, "Calcifer is a very strong fire demon."

The fan girl interrupted Sophie's consoling tirade. The door burst open. "HOWL!" the fan girl screamed. She grinned maniacally at him, revealing a row of brackets on her teeth, "I LOVE YOU!"

Sophie stepped in front of Howl, who the girl was steadily advancing toward and growled threateningly, "Stay away from my boyfriend!"

Michael and Howl were frozen in fear, but Calcifer had the audaciousness to sardonically whisper, "Reowrr, cat fight."

This, of course, brought the fan girl's concentration his way. "Calcifer!" she yelled, "You are so cuuute!"

Calcifer frantically flew up the chimney.

"No, Calcifer, don't desert me now!" Howl sobbed, regaining use of his limbs. He turned to the fan girl. "What is your name, she-demon?" he pronounced clearly.

There was a protesting "Hey!" from the chimney, but it was ignored.

"My- My name?" She stuttered.

Sophie glared at Howl and said swiftly from between clenched teeth, "Make her go away!"

Howl lazily waved his hand in Sophie's direction, "All in good time, my dear."

Meanwhile, the fan girl had finished stuttering. "I am Kate." She said formally. The moment was broken when she launched herself at Howl.

Sophie and Michael instantaneously reached for Howl, but to no avail. He fell to the floor with a loud thump, the fan girl falling beside him.

Before anyone could properly react, Howl had entered the land of unconsciousness, and would wake with a rather badly bruised head.

"Think I hurt him?" the fan girl asked asked nonchalantly.


End file.
